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Review: ‘Sharknado 5: Global Swarming’ is Nothing New or Inventive

Sharknado 5 Global Swarming Chainsaw

Sharknado 5: Global SwarmingA fifth one, really?! Didn’t the quality already peak with Sharknado 2: The Second One? As I write this article I have a tab open with a list of synonyms for stupid. We need a bigger thesaurus.

Towards the end of Sharknado 5: Global Swarming Tara Reid (while struggling to force movement into her stiff face) utters the line “clear your mind of all thoughts”. That’s the attitude you need in order to enjoy the fourth sequel in this logic defying series.

The problem every Sharknado film has is the meandering pacing that comes from trying to fill 90 minutes with repetitive shots of CGI sharks falling on top of people and Q list celebrity cameos. I have to confess I couldn’t even finish last year’s Sharknado 4, or if I did my mind has repressed it. Either way I certainly wasn’t prepared for Tara Reid’s character to suddenly be a robot in this one. It suits her acting style well. I can’t criticise her too badly, her unique screaming has been the highlight of every Sharknado movie.

Her character April and shark slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) must rescue their young son Gil from inside the very heart of a Sharknado as it travels across the globe, destroying poorly rendered digital recreations of famous landmarks. It’s more of the same. Aside from a lazy subplot involving portals and misguided attempts at hard hitting emotion there is nothing new or inventive.

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming Snow

The funniest moment comes from a hilarious but brief cameo by Gilbert Gottfried who squawks about a “Safarinado” in Africa. This comes seconds after the death of a major character and is a brilliant tonal shift.

The best scenes take place in London (or New York doubling as London) and seeing the filmmakers struggle to grasp any concept of English geography is a treat for UK viewers. A ridiculously miscast Queen Elizabeth is perhaps the most surreal moment in all five movies. Just like the other films much of Sharknado 5: Global Swarming is made up of awkward celebrity appearances. It was quite upsetting seeing Nichelle Nichols meekly whimper Star Trek references and a middle aged Tony Hawk remind us how culturally irrelevant he has become.

These movies aren’t really made to be watched alone. It is much more enjoyable to share the mocking of it’s faults with a group of friends or at least join in discussing it’s stupidity on Twitter.

It’s dumb fun and I want them to keep making more. Unlike the more endearing “so bad they’re good” movies the filmmakers are self-aware. This allows the craziness to keep amping up with each new instalment. The sixth one promises time travel and Dolph Lundgren. I look forward to having it melt my brain.