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Review: ‘Silent Blood Night’ Feels Like a Throwback to 70’s Sexploitation

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Silent Blood Night

Silent Blood Night is to horror what ‘The Room’ is to drama. It is laughably terrible.

The “actors” (for lack of a better word) all deliver their English dialogue in hilariously awkward Austrian accents incapable of pronouncing “v” correctly. This gives the film such a bizarre feel. It’s almost as if the whole thing is a joke, perhaps an homage to ‘Allo, Allo’. But the filmmakers don’t seem self-aware enough for this to be the case.

Apparently it was released in 2006 despite having very early digital picture quality akin to VHS. It feels like a throwback to 70’s sexploitation. The philosophy behind the scenes seems to be “we need more T&A!” The overuse of scantily clad actresses is so desperate and excessive that it seems like self-parody.

I’d explain the plot but there isn’t one. The nonsensical script made me feel like my mind was being pushed through a cheese grater and into a trash bin.

The pacing drags on terribly. It was quite a struggle to make it to the end. It was very tempting to turn it off halfway through and write my review regardless. No one would have known. Unfortunately I decided to be honest and watch all 84 crap-tastic minutes. It’s time I’ll never get back. Without the unintentional comedy and some over the top Troma style violence it would be unwatchable.

I feel sorry for everyone behind this movie. They tried their best to make their own Austrian version of an American horror film. They were limited by a low budget, outdated equipment and an incompetent cast. They made Silent Blood Night as a serious horror movie. It did make me scream, only with laughter.

Why would anyone make such a ridiculously bad movie? I smell a ‘Springtime for Hitler’ style money laundering scheme. It has to be the only explanation, surely.

I’ll end my review with a quote from someone else’s. I went on IMDb to get some background information, hoping some context might help me better understand and process the garbage I had just watched. Instead I found a very accurate description of Silent Blood Night by one user:

“It looks like it was filmed by a horse and edited with a potato masher.”

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